A stream of crimson runs down my arm
Seeping from the gaping wound
I can feel my life slowly drain away
My soul finally being set free
The pulsing of my heart quickly fades away
As the crimson stream stops flowing
As I lie there, cold as the dead
The mischief in my eyes stops glowing
I look down at myself from up above
My hands and wrists coated in blood
The water from the bath overflows
Running over the floor in a red flood
Crimson is the colour of my blood
Hurt is the note I left behind
I watch my loved ones break down and cry
Wish it was in them that I confided
I'm not here in body
But in spirit I still walk the streets
I'm lost in a world between life and death
A world where ghosts wear bed sheets
Even in my spirit form
I can still dream
Of a world where I'm still alive
Not dead because of a crimson stream
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Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Is It Time To Retire The Fantastic Four Of Horror?
With the latest installment of Texas Chainsaw revving into cinemas and not getting many good reviews, it got me thinking: Does the horror genre rely too much on the big bads of yesteryear to carry on? Is it time that Leatherface turns off his chainsaw? Is it time for Michael Myers to leave his knife in the drawer? Is it time to avoid heading to Camp Crystal Lake? Is it time that we sell 1428 Elm Street? Is it officially time for the Fantastic Four to retire?
The reason that I’m looking at this topic is that each of these series have literally been done to death. In 1974, Leatherface made his first appearance and since then he’s done three sequels, a remake, a prequel to the remake and a reboot.
Michael Myers stomped his presence on the horror genre in 1978 in John Carpenter’s Halloween. Since then he’s done six sequels, a remake and a sequel to the remake. There was also Halloween III: Season Of The Witch, however with the exception of appearing in an ad on TV for the original Halloween movie, this film doesn’t show Michael at all and has no connection to his story whatsoever so I’ve not included it in the above countdown.
Jason Voorhees was the next big bad up to the batting plate. Not taking into consideration the first Friday the 13th movie as Jason wasn’t the antagonist, his first appearance as the killer was in 1981. Since then there’s been eight sequels, a showdown with Freddy Krueger and a reboot of the first three films made into one movie that could be passed off as a remake attempt.
Freddy was next, entering our minds, our hearts and our dreams in 1984. Since then he’s gone on to create five sequels, a reimagining of the old rules in Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, a showdown with Jason Voorhees and a remake.
Is enough, enough? Do these Big Bads still draw in the crowds? Is there any way to make them new and exciting whilst keeping the mystery and the horror of the original film? Is it time to shelve the ideas of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday The 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street for good?
As a writer I look back on these series and think that they’ve officially run out of ideas. They’ve been recycling the same old formula for decades, and while it’s solid concept and did well in the 70’s and 80’s, it doesn’t seem to translate well with audiences now. The new ideas have fallen flat too. In a desperate bid to keep Friday The 13th going, the creators of Jason X sent Jason Voorhees into space then made him battle Freddy Krueger where winner kills all.
Michael was given some new ideas too in that of a back-story in the remake directed by Rob Zombie. I don’t personally agree with the back-story (or the film) that Zombie did, I do applaud his concept because on some level, we all want to know what made Michael snap.
Now you can’t really change the formula too much when it comes to these four as that’s what they’ve built their legacy on. However you can tweak it a little to provide something new and refreshing. Wes Craven did that with Freddy back in 1994 and produced Wes Craven’s New Nightmare which was a major success considering Freddy was known, at that point in time, more for his wise-cracks then his fear factor. Although, in saying that, I will cut Krueger some slack and say that he had some amazing kills, despite being the comic relief out of the Fantastic Four.
On Twitter earlier this week when I first began discussing this topic, I threw up the idea of having the original directors returning to their creations to recapture some of the glamour that had faded. The responses were mixed. Some people said they would prefer to see Indie or unknown director take a shot at recapturing the horror magic while others thought it was a good idea, although they were adamant about the gore factor being upped dramatically since the original movies were released.
Most people admitted that as long as the movie was good and provided them with entertainment, they didn’t really care who was sitting in the director’s chair. However there was that one voice that stood out and said that if the original directors still had the passion for their respected series, then by all means they should come back and give the fans something new and fresh while maintaining what made the movies scary to begin with.
Being a Halloween fan myself, I admit that I would love to see what John Carpenter would do with Michael now. Would he use Rob Zombies’ series to create something new, or return to his original concept?
The fact of the matter is, despite the Fantastic Four having an exceptionally large fan base, their stories are becoming tiresome.
So, how this for a fresh idea: What if the next Friday the 13th incorporated found footage into the film, kind of like Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon? Some campers or hikers are walking around Crystal Lake and manage to stumble across a video camera which has captured Jason’s latest rampage in all its gory details. Once the tape stops, they realize that Jason is directly behind them. Or perhaps having a film crew heading out to Crystal Lake to do a documentary on his crimes and having him show up to defend his turf?
Or how about a Halloween story that sees Michael track down his only remaining relative from the H20 movie, John (Josh Hartnett) who’s living abroad? Or have someone who looks very similar to Laurie move into his old house? I’m pretty certain that would piss him off.
Or what about having Freddy as a global killer? Let’s face it, there’s 24 hours in a day at least every minute of that 24 hours there’s someone, somewhere, in the world who is sleeping, and thus dreaming. After one movie, with a concept like that, Freddy could land on top of the body count list.
Is this the end of the Fantastic Four? I don’t believe so. As consumers of their products, we long to see them back in action, regardless of how good or bad the movie is.
Will they ever retire for good? No. They may lie dormant for a decade or so, but they’ll be back with a vengeance, ready to slice and dice their way through new victims and a new generation of fans.
Leatherface, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger are icons of the horror industry and whether we like it or not, their movies will continue to be made as long as there’s a demand for them from their fans.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Beware While Golfing
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Shocking Sex
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!”
Friday, January 4, 2013
Why We Live as Long as We Do
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
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