Greetings gentle readers,
As you know, here at The Final Curtain, we encourage people to send in short stories or poetry so we can post them for feedback purposes. Now, I will admit, I was hesitant about posting this as both Rhiannon Irons and I had given him feedback regarding his story. However, at his constant insistence with Rhiannon Irons, I have caved.
Today, we've gotten a prologue of a story from Max. Max has previously had a poem posted under the nom de plume, Mr. E.
Now, please keep in mind, this prologue is for an English project that he is working on. Feel free to leave a comment so he knows what you think.
Trent
November 20th, 2099
Mr.President,
This is Dr. Maxime Le.
The other researchers and I have found a miraculous
breakthrough. We simply want to thank you for investing and making
us... here at Le Science Industries, the government’s own
scientific research centre and crew.
You’ve demanded we researched something that has to do with
genes, genetics, cells... DNA....And we did. We’ve found something;
it’s an incredible breakthrough in science and medicine to this
day! We’ve discovered that for each cell of the body, a correct
sequence of adenine, guanine, thymine and cytosine must be
synchronised to create the cell. Only adenine and guanine can be
paired together just like thymine and cytosine, but there’s a
certain pattern that affects the attributes of the cell. We’ve
experimented with the orders on a muscle cell – as to your request
– to find out which ones affect which attributes and such.
In your report letter you asked: "See if you can find out
how to make a man stronger... faster", we’ve found it. We
discovered the sequence making a muscle cell stronger, have more
stamina. With the technology we have now, we can extract the four
building blocks of this special chain from a strand of DNA, clone
them, and create this muscle cell with the attributes you’ve asked
for!
I’ve asked my men at the chemistry lab to conjure up a
medicinal drug capable of replacing normal cells with the newly,
genetically modified ones we’ve created and make them host cells.
Quite like a cancer: It fools the human body into thinking it’s a
regular cell, but it attacks them and replaces them with its
multiplications. Before we continue, I suggest you come see it
yourself in action. We’re testing it as I’m writing to you; it’s
already been two month now! If our breakthrough proves its positive
effects (it seems it has with our tests) and we figure out how to
tune out the defects I’m sure it would have –although it will
take another month of testing –we can release it to the public!
Think of all the benefits!
Dr. Maxime Le
Head of Research and Scientific
Advancements.
Le Science Industries
"Mr. President."
He was looking through his old letters, unaware of
someone calling him.
"M. President." The voice
repeated.
The President looked away from his desk as he set
the letter from Dr. Le back to where it belonged: in a folder marked
Classified. Looking around seeking who called his attention,
he noticed a figure in his office door.
"Pardon my interruption, Mr. President. It seems
our ancient enemy... The Vox have come to discuss about the
Peace Treaty," said the Secretary of Defence.
"I
haven’t been notified of this meeting, we’re perfectly fine!
We’ve been in peace for 20 years. I don’t want another civil war
Michael; it was terrible enough the first time. Cost billions to the
State! What could they possibly want?" The President ranted,
surprised about how angry he was.
"Well... it’s a new
generation of Vox Rebels, Mr. President," Michael replied
with haste.
"What? There’s a new leader at the
head?"
The President got out of his seat and walked
towards Michael with a low sigh.
"Apparently so, we’ll
just have to find out," said Michael, as he walked out the room.
The President followed his Secretary of Defence out
his office, making their way to the meeting hall to discuss a new
peace treaty between The Vox and the State.
The Vox was an anarchist rebellion group who’ve come up
more than a few times in the State’s history books. 20 years ago
they threw a civil rebellion. Having military domination and
discipline, the President of the State had no choice but to defend.
The Civil war did not last very long, but it has been the deadliest
and longest one since the very first. Every time The Vox
implied a revolution their numbers seemed to have grown and their
strategies improved.
The overseer of the military defence against the
anarchist rebels personally took down The Vox leader: Steven
Flinn and noted his final words: "The State will make a
mistake... the survivors will teach the next generation of our
efforts, of the State’s wrong, of our reasons... The Vox will
thrive...my son will only know me through our history book... The
Vox History Book... and he will thrive..."
At first – because of Leader of The Vox’s
last words – the State was on high alert for any Vox
activity after a peace treaty has been resolved. 20 years later, this
alert has declined to a mere ignorance! The ministry of Education
strongly neglected the teaching of The Vox’s actions towards
the State. Consequently, only the smallest percentages of the State’s
population remember who The Vox are. Now, the President was
sitting across The Vox’s new generation leader, both of them
surrounded by body guards of their own factions.
"Do you know why I’m here?" said the
leader, cockiness and ambition echoed through his voice.
"Look,
we’ve done nothing wrong in the past 20 years, what do you want?"
replied the President, wanting to get this out of the way as quickly
as possible.
"That’s true, in some ways... but it’s
not about what you did wrong, it’s about revenge... my personal
vendetta. Do you know what I’m talking about Mr. President?"
barked the leader.
"I’m afraid not..."
"Your
men killed my father!" he yelled, standing up.
The
President’s bodyguards snapped out of their surveillance trance and
took a more aggressive look, eyeing the opposing faction’s security
and its leader with acute attention.
"Just who are
you...?" questioned the President, trying to remain calm.
"I...
I am Andrew Flinn, son of Steven Flinn deceased leader The Vox!
I live in his name... Mr. President, this is war! My personal
vendetta fuels every single member of our faction and we will have
revenge! Hear The Voice Mr. President... hear our Voice we
are... The Vox Populi...The Voice of the People!" Andrew
Flinn stormed out the room, signalling his security to follow him.
Stunned, the President told the Secretary of Defence
to issue a war declaration and told him to assure the State was aware
of this unfortunate event. He went back to his office and sat in his
ornate leather chair, rubbing his temples trying to cope with stress,
trying to interpret what he was about to get involved in, trying to
plan everything. He was going to war with an ancient enemy of the
State; he was starting to doubt this was a reality. Was he scared?
Was he dreaming? So many questions to answer, but try as he might,
more questions were thought of than there were answers.
"Mr. President, someone’s here to talk to
you," said a female voice.
"Who?"
"I’m
not sure sir. He claims to be..."
The lady read the paper, trying to remember his name.
"To be Dr. Maxime Le from Le Science
Industries."
"Ah, yes its fine Lisa, bring him
in."
"Yes sir."
Lisa Monroe was the President’s personal secretary.
Any letters he received were sent through her and she put them on his
desk. Any non-government associated members had to pass through her
before being able to enter the President’s office – with his
permission of course –and she organised every appointment
synchronised with the President’s schedule.
"Mr. President! It’s a very nice office you
have here, hmm!" Dr. Maxime Le looked around the room, amazed
from the decor and luxury, inspecting every statue, painting or flag
with immense curiosity.
He wasn’t a very tall person. He was Asian, with
dark brown eyes and black hair. He had the extraordinary mind of a
genius and devoted all of his life to science. His politeness was
beyond any regular citizen of the State and addressed everybody with
the same respect he’d address God if he met him in person; for fear
that any wrong action would take him to hell!
Dr. Le was one of the very few people who had a
belief that there is a God; he cared not if science –his love and
all of his life –couldn’t prove his existence. However, in the
State, 98% of the population were Atheists. It was believed that
Religion was the base of war, simply to prove which belief was
superior and ultimately, which one’s right.
It’s with this mindset that the countries of the
world were brought together to improve the peace treaty, assuring it
to last much longer. They’ve accepted to limit the worship of any
Supreme Being or Deity so that tensions between religious groups
would be diminished and eventually disappear.
"Max, have you heard-"
"Yes
sir, we’re going to war," Max interrupted.
The
President nodded, and signalled his friend to take a seat.
"Oh!
I’m so sorry Mr. President I promised it won’t happen again,
please forgive me I feel terrible!" the doctor stuttered. He was
almost panicking.
"Max, it’s okay. You know I can never
get mad at you!" Added the President with a comforting
smile.
"Oh, thank you Mr. President. You know me! I get
worried about everything," he replied with a sigh. "Well
I’ve come to tell you that we’ve tested the gene drug... and it
works! But –" He hesitated.
"Spit it out. We
don’t have all day! I have a war to settle."
"Right,
sorry sir. The enhancements so far have worked. Our test subjects are
much stronger, faster and enduring than even the best athletes in the
world! But after three months of testing we’ve noticed some
defects... skin started peeling off, rotting, bubbling and dying.
Major necrosis was found almost everywhere on the skin cells but only
on skin cells. We presume the enhanced cells take too much energy
that the body can’t produce, so it starts feeding on skin cells
–rich in nutriments and full of energy –and destroying them.
Quite like when a man is starving, his very own body will start to
'eat' it’s self in order to survive. However, this necrosis and
deterioration does not affect the performance. Our test subjects
don’t seem to be effected by pain."
"How long does
it take for the necrosis to start?"
"Almost three
months."
"Right, so you say this makes people
stronger, faster and more enduring?"
"Yes... oh
no... You’re not suggesting we use the drug on the citizens of the
State to overcome The Vox, right!?" Dr. Le said, with
panic rising in his voice.
"Does it look like we have a
choice Max?" This time the President was frustrated.
"Well
I mean... we can out-power The Vox... but what of the
consequence? The Necrosis?"
"Find a cure." The
President’s eyes locked on to the doctor’s, as if trying to read
his soul.
Against his will, and to keep the trust of the
President, Doctor Maxime Le added with saddness in his voice "Fine...
The cure will take time though."
The President pressed a button on the intercom and
told Lisa to summon Michael, the Secretary of Defence.
Once summoned, the President had two of his most
trusted men wait while he thought of what he was about to do. He
thought a long while and finally he came up with a firm answer:
"Michael, I want you to ensure a Conscription
Law. Doctor, I want you to mass produce the drugs and I’ll alert
the secretary of Marketing to make sure the drugs are distributed to
every non-Vox converted citizen of the State. One more thing
Michael, I want every single Vox member annihilated."
"Sir... that’s genocide," Michael
stated.
"This is tyranny," the doctor added. "But
if that’s what you wish Mr. President, so be it."
The two men left the room and left the President to
reflect upon the choice he just made.
Was he really doing
this? He had no choice. The Vox have already
converted half of the State’s population to join Andrew Flinn’s
cause. The State’s army was of even match with The Vox’s
rebellious group. With the Conscription at hand, the rest of the men
of the State would be forced to join the army, doubling its size. The
added benefit of the enhanced cell drug Dr. Le and his team have
created; the army would be much stronger, resistant and faster. The
Vox couldn’t possibly stand a chance. He planned it
all in his head everything to the minimal detail. His plan was going
to work. He was becoming the dictator of the State.
Good idea, timing is good, however it's a bit long for a prologue. Prologues are suppose to be an introduction to the story, not an entire chapter. If you're able to cut it down a bit, then I think it'll be better.
ReplyDeleteIs this the whole English paper because if so, then I don't have a problem with the length however if this is just the start up, then it's way too long. Prologues are short and to the point. They set the scene for the story. Cut it down a page and it'll be good.
ReplyDeleteLove the letter at the start. Really caught my attention. The rest I felt was a little too long winded.
ReplyDeleteI, personally, would have stopped it at "The President followed his Secretary of Defence out his office, making their way to the meeting hall to discuss a new peace treaty between The Vox and the State." The rest is just surplus.
Different than what I'm use to reading on here, but different in a good way. Is that the end of the story because I'd like to know more about the drug, the war and what the hell the Vox Populi is.
ReplyDeleteGood effort. Interesting concept but I will echo everyone else and say it was a little long for what is considered a prologue. If it was a little shorter than it would be perfect. Nice job, Max.
ReplyDeleteGood job Max. Well worded and captivating. Not bad for an English assignment :-)
ReplyDeleteSome of you are way harsh considering this is a high school kid we're talking about! I think he did a great job. A++++
ReplyDelete@Monica - harsh would have been saying that was shit. We gave back constructive criticism in saying it was too long to be consider a prologue. If he didn't want it then he shouldn't have put it up on the site.
ReplyDelete@Jon I thought it was fine the way it was and that for a first story he deserves an A for his efforts. I was just saying that we shouldn't be so hard on him because he's young and inexperienced.
ReplyDeleteWell thank you everybody for the feedback! What you've all told me made me realize a good point: it's way too long. And please, everyone has their own opinions, let's not have an argument on who's right or wrong. Finally, I'm sorry if anything wrote was offensive to anyone.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. It was different to what we're use to reading on here. Well thought out. Nice work Max.
ReplyDelete