I Miss You

"I can't believe you're gone."

I blink back tears as the realization hits me.  You're no longer part of my world.

As the people outside mill around, swapping stories, I slipped away, entering the only place you ever found sacred.  The only place where you could truly be you.  Your office.

Your mahogany desk still stood at the center of the room with your leather chair nestled behind it.  Your computer monitor was black.  I think this is the only time I've ever seen if switched off.  Your fountain pen sat beside a small black notebook, next to the keyboard.

I sit down in your chair and your scent lingers.  I feel the curve of the leather beneath my hand.

Your notebook beckons me to open it.  To see what your final project was.

The leather bound book was your pride and joy.  Many ideas that flowed through your mind filled the pages.  Your neat handwriting a testament to what you believed.  From fantasy to action and adventure your words lifted from the pages.  I relived stories you had run by me.  A deserted island with a hidden secret, an alternate realm hidden in a haunted house, a writer with an axe to grind all came back to me.

A small laugh escapes my lips as I see a note that you wrote to yourself.  Your final list.

"Milk.  Bread.  Coffee.  Find a new proof reader."

That was exactly like you.  Your world was always in your head.  A world where dreams came alive.  Your only limitation was your imagination.  Your confidence resided only in the covers of your black notebook and your books.

When you were writing you became someone else.  You were calmer, happier, then I ever remembered.  You found peace in a world full of chaos.

My hand lightly brushed over the wooden desk, feeling the grain and knots beneath my fingertips.  I had begged you to buy something more fetching to the eye but you had said it was the imperfections that made it perfect.

I picked up the only photograph that sat upon your desk.  A photo of us at the beach.  A faint smile appears on my lips.  I remembered that summer.  It was our first trip away together.  You had just sold your first book and the response was overwhelming.  You wanted to escape the public eye, so we packed up and trundled off to a beach house your friend owned.  That same friend was standing right outside your office door, tears in their eyes.

That trip made me realize that you were the only one for me.  Even when you were distracted by the stories in your head, I knew that I loved you more than life itself.

Absentmindedly, I fiddled with the desk drawer, remembering our last moments together.  We had fought before you stormed out of the house to gather the items on your list.

I wanted to get married and start a family but you seemed so distant to me.  Even when we were making love, you weren't all there.  Your mind was elsewhere.

That was the one thing I hated.  You spent more time emotionally with your characters than you did with me.  It was something that ate away at me so I confronted you over it.  You had told me that everything was fine and that you were just preoccupied.  I told you that you were always preoccupied and that your lack of availability said to me that you didn't want this relationship to take the next step.  You had told me that I was being childish and that I didn't know what you wanted.  I agreed, pouting at you.  I didn't have a clue as to what you wanted.  I just got the feeling it wasn't me.

You turned on your heel and stormed out the front door, slamming it behind you.  And that was it.  I never saw you again.

The drawer opened and I glanced down.  Sitting among the papers and scribblings of your life was a small grey box.  Curious, I opened it.

Before me, nestled in the box snugly, was a diamond ring.  On the underside of the lid was the inscription Princess Cut For A Princess.

Tears brimmed in my eyes.  I could feel one slide down my cheek and I quickly brushed it away.

I was wrong.  You did want me.

Standing, I glided across the floor of your office, feeling as though I had made a huge mistake.

I pulled open the door and watched.

There you were, sitting in the overstuffed armchair that you loved so much, your head in your hands as friends and family comforted you.  People offered you their condolences but it was too late.  I was gone.

A light appeared behind me, causing me to turn my head.  It was all so clear now.  I remembered everything.

After our fight I had gone upstairs to take a bath.  I had disrobed, tears streaming down my face as I stepped into the tub.  The porcelain was slippery and my foot went from under me, my head hitting the tiles with a loud crack.  And that's where I remained until you came home.

I remembered you trying to wake me, begging me to forgive you, that you had bought a ring.  You kept repeating it.  "I bought a ring.  I bought a ring.  Come back to me.  I bought a ring."

Blinking back tears I could see the form of an angel in the light.  Her hand beckoned to me.

"Please, one more minute," I pleaded, turning back to you.

Your suit was crumpled and as I approached I could see your eyes were red from crying.  You had already removed your tie, discarding it on the coffee table in front of you.

You stared at my photo, my smile bright, eyes shining, and I could see your lip quiver.  I placed my hand on yours and kissed your lips.

"I miss you," I whispered before making my way towards the light.