Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Bargin Books, Games, Music, Movies & More
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Robert The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Robert the red nosed reindeer
Was Rudolph's cousin twice-removed
He was always getting up to mischief
Of which the other reindeer disapproved
He was always at the reindeer disco
Instead of helping Santa make toys
And picking fights with other reindeer
Cos Robert was a bad bad boy
Then one foggy Christmas eve
He got into a fight
A big bad reindeer punched him on the nose
In hospital he spent the night
Then all the other reindeer
Said" Well,we're not suprised"
When Robert the red-nosed reindeer
Turned up to work with two black eyes
He drove a hotted up Monaro
All around the town he'd go
Dragging off other reindeer
And dropping wheelies in the snow
Then another Christmas eve
Rudolph came to town
He said" Robbie boy,why dontchya clean up your act?"
Come and help drag Santa's sleigh around
So Robbie roared off with Santa
Off into the sky they climbed
And Robbie was such a leadfoot
Poor Santa copped a speeding fine
Was Rudolph's cousin twice-removed
He was always getting up to mischief
Of which the other reindeer disapproved
He was always at the reindeer disco
Instead of helping Santa make toys
And picking fights with other reindeer
Cos Robert was a bad bad boy
Then one foggy Christmas eve
He got into a fight
A big bad reindeer punched him on the nose
In hospital he spent the night
Then all the other reindeer
Said" Well,we're not suprised"
When Robert the red-nosed reindeer
Turned up to work with two black eyes
He drove a hotted up Monaro
All around the town he'd go
Dragging off other reindeer
And dropping wheelies in the snow
Then another Christmas eve
Rudolph came to town
He said" Robbie boy,why dontchya clean up your act?"
Come and help drag Santa's sleigh around
So Robbie roared off with Santa
Off into the sky they climbed
And Robbie was such a leadfoot
Poor Santa copped a speeding fine
Aussie Jingle Bells
Dashing through the bush
In a rusty Holden ute
Kicking up the dust
esky in the boot
Kelpie by my side
Singing Christmas songs
Its summer time and I am in
My singlet,shorts and thongs
Chorus:
Oh,Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas In Australia
On a scorching summer's day
Jingle Bells, Jingle bells
Christmas time is Beaut
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a rusty Holden ute
Engine's getting hot
Dodge the kangaroos
Swaagies climbs aboard
He is welcome too
All the family is there
Sitting by the pool
Christmas day ,the Aussie way
By the Barbeque
Chorus:
Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia
On a scorching summer's day
Jingle Bells ,Jingle bells
Chrstams time is beaut
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a rusty Holden ute
Come the afternoon
Grandpa has a doze
The kids and Uncle Bruce
Are swimming in thier clothes
The time comes round to go
We take a family snap
Then pack the car and all shoot through
Before the washing up
Chorus:
Oh Jingle bells ,jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia
On a scorching summer's day
Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells
Christmas time is beaut
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a rusty Holden ute
In a rusty Holden ute
Kicking up the dust
esky in the boot
Kelpie by my side
Singing Christmas songs
Its summer time and I am in
My singlet,shorts and thongs
Chorus:
Oh,Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas In Australia
On a scorching summer's day
Jingle Bells, Jingle bells
Christmas time is Beaut
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a rusty Holden ute
Engine's getting hot
Dodge the kangaroos
Swaagies climbs aboard
He is welcome too
All the family is there
Sitting by the pool
Christmas day ,the Aussie way
By the Barbeque
Chorus:
Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia
On a scorching summer's day
Jingle Bells ,Jingle bells
Chrstams time is beaut
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a rusty Holden ute
Come the afternoon
Grandpa has a doze
The kids and Uncle Bruce
Are swimming in thier clothes
The time comes round to go
We take a family snap
Then pack the car and all shoot through
Before the washing up
Chorus:
Oh Jingle bells ,jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia
On a scorching summer's day
Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells
Christmas time is beaut
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a rusty Holden ute
LIFE IN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin'
on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin'
on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Just For Laughs
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms :::: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going& going& going
* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it
* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together.
The following brands wouldn't sell so well.....
* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year.
* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms :::: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going& going& going
* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it
* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together.
The following brands wouldn't sell so well.....
* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year.
* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you
Stressed? Try This
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See. You're smiling already
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See. You're smiling already
Love
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a some what awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a some what awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
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