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Monday, December 28, 2009


Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Robert The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Robert the red nosed reindeer

Was Rudolph's cousin twice-removed

He was always getting up to mischief

Of which the other reindeer disapproved

He was always at the reindeer disco

Instead of helping Santa make toys

And picking fights with other reindeer

Cos Robert was a bad bad boy

Then one foggy Christmas eve

He got into a fight

A big bad reindeer punched him on the nose

In hospital he spent the night

Then all the other reindeer

Said" Well,we're not suprised"

When Robert the red-nosed reindeer

Turned up to work with two black eyes

He drove a hotted up Monaro

All around the town he'd go

Dragging off other reindeer

And dropping wheelies in the snow

Then another Christmas eve

Rudolph came to town

He said" Robbie boy,why dontchya clean up your act?"

Come and help drag Santa's sleigh around

So Robbie roared off with Santa

Off into the sky they climbed

And Robbie was such a leadfoot

Poor Santa copped a speeding fine

Aussie Jingle Bells

Dashing through the bush

In a rusty Holden ute

Kicking up the dust

esky in the boot

Kelpie by my side

Singing Christmas songs

Its summer time and I am in

My singlet,shorts and thongs


Oh,Jingle Bells Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Christmas In Australia

On a scorching summer's day

Jingle Bells, Jingle bells

Christmas time is Beaut

Oh what fun it is to ride

In a rusty Holden ute

Engine's getting hot

Dodge the kangaroos

Swaagies climbs aboard

He is welcome too

All the family is there

Sitting by the pool

Christmas day ,the Aussie way

By the Barbeque


Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Christmas in Australia

On a scorching summer's day

Jingle Bells ,Jingle bells

Chrstams time is beaut

Oh what fun it is to ride

In a rusty Holden ute

Come the afternoon

Grandpa has a doze

The kids and Uncle Bruce

Are swimming in thier clothes

The time comes round to go

We take a family snap

Then pack the car and all shoot through

Before the washing up


Oh Jingle bells ,jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Christmas in Australia

On a scorching summer's day

Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells

Christmas time is beaut

Oh what fun it is to ride

In a rusty Holden ute


(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of

Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.  Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin'
on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.

But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Just For Laughs

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.

They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms :::: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going& going& going

* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good onya mum

(available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it

* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together.

The following brands wouldn't sell so well.....

* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year.

* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you

Stressed? Try This

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See. You're smiling already


A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a some what awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

Sunday, November 15, 2009


She was like poison. She ran through his veins causing him to squirm in his seat. He had a raging hard on just thinking about her supple breasts, her plum lips and that tantalizing scent of her perfume mixed with desire.

His erection strained against his black suit pants, making them feel as though they were one size too small. How could he wait until his lunch break?

Finally, one o'clock rolled around and he flew out of his office, walking as fast as he could. He rounded the photocopier and out the glass doors. He sprinted down the hall, his tie swinging from side to side, as he raced for the elevator.

It moved too slow for him. Tapping his foot impatiently, checking his watch, he made a mental note to take the stairs next time she was in town.

He finally arrived on the ground floor and dashed out of the building. He only had an hour to see her, to feel her, to please her.

He arrived at the hotel in record time. He could barely ask for the room but somehow managed to get it out. The clerk gave him a knowing smile and handed him a key. He raced to the elevator, groaning when he realized he had to travel up to the fourteenth floor.

He shoved his hands into his pockets as he rocked back and forth on his heels. He began to wonder if it was normal to want someone this much. Poison. She was poison.

The elevator door opened and he emerged. He raced down the hall, rapidly checking the numbers on the doors. He found what he was after. Using his card, he opened the door.

There she was. Lying on the bed, wearing nothing but lingerie. She was lazily flipping through a magazine. She glanced up at him, her green eyes boring holes into his soul. "You're late," she breathed, her lips twitching into a snarl. She tossed her magazine to the floor, kneeling on the bed.

"I'm sorry," he said, removing his jacket and tie.

"Not as sorry as you will be."

She took his tie from his hands. "Take off your shirt," she ordered. He obliged. "Don't forget your pants."

Once he was completely naked before him, she ran her tongue across her lips, licking them, wetting them. He groaned softly. She stood up, moving a chair behind him. "Sit," she ordered.

When he didn't move, she gave him a quick shove to the chest. He grunted as he fell, his caramel coloured hair splashing across his forehead.

Taking his tie she got to work tying his hands behind his back. She moved in front of him, tossing her raven hair over her shoulders.

Using the remote that was laying on the table, she turned on the CD player. She began to dance for him, moving her body sensually to the rhythm, removing her bra and panties in the process. He shifted his weight. His erection stood before her, throbbing painfully. He wanted, ney, needed her to touch him.

As if reading his thoughts she dropped to her knees, pulling him into her mouth. She kissed and licked his shaft before taking him in fully, moaning in pleasure as she caressed her breasts, tweaking her nipples as her eyes studied him.

His eyes rolled back in his head. He was trying to focus on his breathing while this magnificent woman worked her magic.

She pulled away, giving one last long lick up his shaft. He couldn't help it as a groan escaped his mouth.

Next thing he knew she was on him, her slick body sliding down his cock. He could feel the heat between the two of them growing. Her breasts were in his face. He craned his neck, nipping her lightly on the nipple. She arched her back. She was so forceful. So dominate. Poison.

She felt his cock throb as he blew inside her. She could feel his liquid seeping down the inside of her leg as she rode him to her own pleasure. She came no less then a minute later with a cry that would wake the dead.

She untied him and let him have a shower. When he returned she was fully dressed and fixing her hair in the mirror. She applied her lipstick, eyes watching him as he tucked his shirt back in.

Blotting her lips with her finger, she smiled. "Wasn't as long as last time, but just as fun," she commented, eyes lowering to his crotch.

He got the implied joke and laughed. "Sometimes a quickie is all I need," he replied, running his hand through his hair. She chuckled quietly to herself, placing her lipstick back into her bag. She blew him a kiss and left, leaving on the scent of her perfume.

One whiff of it sent pulses racing straight to his member. Poison. The woman was definitely poison.

Friday, November 6, 2009


Due to popular demand I'm placing a breif summary of my soon-to-be-released novel Ahlephia up on my blog for everyone to read. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Every town has a haunted house and in Rockwater, Louisiana it belongs to Professor Issac Grey.

Roxanne Summers may only be sixteen but she has had a hard life. Being raised by her mother who, in the past, has been more attentive towards her drug dealer then her own daughter, Roxanne looks to her two best friend for support.

But when her mother is murdered, Roxanne discovers that her two best friends aren't really that great. She enlists the help of the five richest kids in Rockwater (a group of kids whom she refers to as 'The Snob Squad') to find her mother's killer.

All clues point to Professor Issac Grey, a reclusive man whose only passion is for science. Upon investigating his mansion atop Rockwater's cliffs overlooking Dawson's Beach, Roxanne and her friends discover a portal to an alternate reality.

Grey catches them snooping through his house and take vengence, transforming each of them into a mythical creature before sending them through the portal to a world known to its residence as Ahlephia.

Upon awaking in Ahlephia, Roxanne and the others have just 72 hours to find the antidote to change themselves back into regular human form. However, it's easier said then done as Ahlephia has many dangers around every corner including the all-powerful Shenzi and Jafar.

Will they make it out of Ahlephia alive or be trapped forever?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Meet Me At Midnight

I want to welcome you to a world where anything, and I mean anything, can happen

It's getting late and

I'm looking for you
The drama's high and

I know what I'm doing now
You've got it going on
The tension's building and
I'm lost in the rhythm
My body's moving to

The speed of sound
You really spin me around

So baby, meet me at midnight
I'll be the one standing in the moonlight
Meet me baby 'cause you know
You're exactly what I need
Meet me baby 'cause I know

You've been teasing me
And you're what's missing from my life

So baby, meet me at midnight

The lights are low and
I know that you're thinking

'Bout me going down
You can't stop staring now
That I've turned you upside down
Your fantasy's dark and
You can't stop shaking
Trouble's brewing and

You know I'm not faking now
You really want me somehow

So baby, meet me at midnight
I'll be the one standing in the moonlight
Meet me baby 'cause you know
You're exactly what I need
Meet me baby 'cause I know
You've been teasing me

And you're what's missing from my life
So baby, meet me at midnight

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Hold Me Now

There's a distant rumble of thunder
A flash of lightning
Here comes the rain
I'm sitting in my room
Staring at my reflection
As I remember all the pain

My tears are flowing freely
Yet the heat is rising
And I want you now

Hold me now
In the burning candle light
Hold me now
Please don't leave me tonight
Hold me and never let go
Baby don't you know
I need you to hold me now

I know you're not a mind reader
But I'm giving you all the signs
To spend the night with me
With the lights down low
I want to make my feelings known
'Cause baby can't you see

My tears are flowing freely
Yet the heat is rising
And I want you now

Hold me now
In the burning candle light
Hold me now
Please don't leave me tonight
Hold me and never let go
Baby don't you know
I need you to hold me now

Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm gonna be all you need
So let the rain pour
Let the rain pour
I'll be with you for evermore

Hold me now
In the burning candle light

Hold me now
Please don't leave me tonight
Hold me and never let me go
Baby don't you know
I need you to hold me now

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The Angel Of Death

They say right before you die she appears.
They say she guides you into the light.
They say she takes your life.

Her spirit is all around us, watching, waiting. Her wings are as black as the night sky and her eyes twinkle like the stars. Her body can hypnotize you and her voice is heavenly. She is dangerous to know. Her smile is wicked and you know you should look away, but you can't help it. You have to stare at her, paralysed. Unable to blink.

As she approaches, you swallow hard. Her eyes bore holes into your soul and she ever so slightly tilts her head to right. "Hello," she greets, adding your name.

"How do you know my name?" you reply, almost instantly, as if it were written. She gives you that smile, her teeth shining brightly like the full moon above. "I've been watching you," she says. "And I know everything about you. It's your time."

You try to move but your feet are firmly rooted to the spot where you stand. The whiskey bottle that you hold falls from your hand, smashing on the ground, it's liquid amber oozing into the sidewalk.

She takes another step towards you. "Do not be afraid," she whispers. "Everyone's time comes at some stage. Right now, it's yours." She touches your cheek, her fingers softly gliding across your bone structure.

"I don't want to die," you say, your lips trembling as a long black nail traces them.

For the first time since you met her, her eyes soften. "Nobody wants to die," she says. "But everyone does eventually. It's painless. You won't even know." Something in her voice makes you stare into her eyes.

Then, just as quickly as she appeared, she is gone. The whiskey bottle lies at your feet, whole, full. The amber liquid inside beckons you. Taunting, teasing. You pick it up, your mind wondering what just happened.

Unscrewing the cap, you happen to glance up. There she is, sitting, waiting, watching. Though she sits far away you can still see her eyes. They gleam brightly. Your hands tremble. You glance down at the bottle. It had solved all your problems before but now it looks more like a demon.

Hurling the bottle as far as you can, a smile crosses your face when you hear it smash against the side of the building.

You glance upwards. She's no longer there. She has spared you. Given you another chance. 'This time', you think as you walk merrily down the alleyway. 'I'll do things right. It's my time to shine.'

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dream Of Me

O weary night
Abate thy hours
Steal me a while from my own company

Let me sleep
For when I sleep I dream
That you are here
You're mine
And all my fears are left behind
I float

On air
The nightingale sings gentle lullibies

So let me close my eyes
And sleep perchance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this

So let the moon
Shine softly on the man I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He'll dream of me

Hide beneath the clouds
And whisper to the evening star
They tell me love is just a dream away (dream away)
I'll dream away

So let the moon
Shine softly on the man I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He'll dream of me
Oh oh oh oh
Dream of me

Thursday, August 13, 2009

New Horror

When I was 15 years old, I put my talents to work and created an original horror movie. After filming it with my high school friends I discovered that I had created the world's funniest comedy.

So after many years of sitting in my closet, gathering dust, I've decided to drag it out of the closet and re-write it.

It's amazing how much work goes into creating a script or novel. I'm looking at 200 pages of lined A4 paper that contains character descriptions, death descriptions and family ties. I've also included 2 sequals in the inital planning.

Who knows, maybe one day Slayed and it's sequals could be appearing in a cinema near you.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Age Old Question

Men of the world - here's a question for you. Would you want to go lingere shopping with your girl? If you answered yes or duuuuuuhhhhhh then you passed. If you answered no, then I think you might be gay. I'm kidding, please don't read that much into that last comment.

Anyways, the reason I bring it up is because as a woman I find that lingere shopping with my man isn't as comfortable as shopping with the girls. I don't know why though. I'm naked in front of my man freely and willingly so why can't I shop for bras and panties in front of him?

Maybe it's a girl thing. My bestie, whom we will call Amanda* has the same problem. "It's like a taboo thing. They always want to go but you don't want them to see the sensiable knickers that you buy. You know, the big bloomer things," she jokes.

I know what she means. Not that I buy big bloomer things but I can understand that you want your man to only know that you own sexy skimpy kinds of underwear.

"I think men get excited about the idea of seeing a woman in next to nothing," continues Amanda. "But what I don't get is why are they so excited to see a woman in bra and panties yet don't get a boner when they see a woman in a bikini? I don't get it. It's the same damn coverage!"

She has a point. So come on guys, message me and answer why is a woman in a bra and panties sexier and more of a turn on then one in a bikini? It could answer the age old question.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping trips boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse.

Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

"Dear Mrs. Huddson,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quiet a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J. Huddson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1: June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2: July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off in 5-minute intervals.
3: July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4: July 19: Walked up to an empolyee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the empolyee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5: August 4: Went to the service desk and tried to put a packet of M'n'Ms on layby.
6: August 16: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7: August 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which 20 children obliged.
8: August 23: When a clerk asked him if they could help him, he began crying and screamed "Why can't you people leave me alone?!" Police were called.
9: September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressents were.
10: September 16: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
11: October 3: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12: October 6: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
13: October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14: October 21: When an annoucement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!!"
And last but not least
15: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "HEY! There's no toilet paper in here!"
One of the clerks passed out.

Hope that bought a smile to your faces. I know it did for me. - Rei

Nothing At All

You've been there for me
No matter what the cost
My best friend since we
Believed in Santa Claus
You have always stood beside me
And I wanna let you know

I'll be the one who hears your prayer
Don't have to ask me
I'll be there
I'll be the friend you never have to do without
Oh no
When you have nothing at all
You'll still have nothing to worry about
Nothing at all

When I was lost inside
A forest of dismay
You always knew just how
To help me find my way
In a world that's so uncertain
I will promise this to you

I'll be the one to hear your prayer
Don't have to ask me
I'll be there
I'll be the friend you never have to do without
When you have nothing at all
You'll still have nothing to worry about
Oh no
When you have nothing at all
You'll still have nothing to worry about

Oh nothing at all
Oh whooo

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Captain Planet Theme Song


"Go Planet!"

"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"

Captain Planet, he's our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero

He's our powers magnified
And he's fighting on the planet's side

Captain Planet, he's our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero
Gonna help him put asunder
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

"You'll pay for this, Captain Planet!"

We're the Planeteers
You can be one too
'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do

Looting and polluting is not the way
Hear what Captain Planet has to say

"The Power Is Yours!"

Environmental Issues

In recent years we've experienced a dramatic increase in global warming and polution. It seems to be a losing battle. No matter how much we recycle and use environmentally friendly products there are sometimes when we just want to toss our hands in the air and say "Why bother?"

Doesn't help that certain genreations think of environment issues as something they won't have to deal with. "What's the point? We won't be here in 100 years. It's someone elses problem." WRONG! It's all our problems.

As an environmentally concious person, I try to set an example in myself. I recycle, save engery and water and I'm probably the only 23 year old that doesn't drive. That's right. I don't drive. I don't own a car and I don't have my lisence, much to the teasing of my friends.

The reason behind my environmental awareness rant is simple; younger generations need a boot up the butt. There's only so much celebrities like Leonarado DiCaprio can do. Hybrid cars, dropping bundles of cash and speaking about an energy efficent house that cost a pretty penny won't change minds of young people. Maybe a planet saving movie, prehaps?

Does anyone remember the cartoon series Captian Planet And The Planeteers? If so, you can avoid reading the next parahgraph. If you think I've finally cracked, please read below:

The Earth is in trouble. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth can't stand to see the distruction plaguing our planet. She sent five special rings to five special young people. Kwame from Africa with the power of Earth. From North America, Wheeler, with the power of fire. From Russia, Linka, with the power of wind. From Asia, Gi, with the power of water. And from South America, Ma-Ti, with the power of heart. When these five powers combine they summon Earth's greatest champion, Captain Planet. I recommend looking at this site for all the extra information :
I'm putting my talents for writing to the ultimate task of creating a Captain Planet movie script. Maybe this could change people's minds as well as producing a fun and entertain 2 hour break in the daly grind of everyday life. If there are any writers out there that are will to assist me with their talents, please drop me a line and we'll find a way to collaborate our ideas and talents.

Remember, the power is yours!

A Real Friendship Poem

Dear Friend,

When you are sad . . .

I'll get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bitch/bastard that made you sad.
When you are blue . . .
I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile . . .
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared . . .
I'll rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried . . .
I'll tell you horrible stories about how bad your life really is and demand that you quit whinning.
When you are confused . . .
I'll use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick . . .
STAY AWAY FROM ME until you are well again. I don't want what you have.
When you fall . . .
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath . . . I pledge till the end. Why you ask? Because you are my friend.

P.S. A friend will bail you out of jail. A really good friend will be sitting beside you saying "Well, we fucked up but wasn't it fun?"

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Don't Let It End

Such a lonely day
I try to find my way
But you
Only you
Occupy my mind
And I try to understand the reason why
You're pushing me away
And I try to understand the reason why

Don't let it end
Cause I can't pretend
I'm not going to cry if you do
Don't let me go
Darlin' you know
My heart is breaking in two
Don't let it end
Why can't we mend
These wounds left open so long
Don't let it end
Cause I can't pretend
To stop loving you

I heard you calling me
But it's just a storm outside
And today
I want you next to me
Your heart playing with my mind
And I try to understand the reason why
You're pushing me away
And I try to understand the reason why

Don't let it end
Cause I can't pretend
I'm not going to cry if you do
Don't let me go
Darlin' you know
My heart is breaking in two
Don't let it end
Why can't we mend
These wounds left open so long
Don't let it end
Cause I can't pretend

I know it's holding on too hard
Even if dreams have passed me by

Don't let it end
Cause I can't pretend
I'm not going to cry if you do
Don't let me go
Darlin' you know
My heart is breaking in two
Don't let it end
Why can't we mend
These wounds left open so long
Don't let it end
Cause I can't pretend
To stop loving you


It's dark outside
And the air is cold
Inside isn't much better
Or so I've been told
Of a killer amoung us
The attack wasn't heard
No screaming, no stabbing
How absurd
But then there's a body
Her name was Lisa Marie
I'll find her killer
And wave my usual fee
In a pool of blood
A dagger was found
No body move
Don't make a sound
I conclude this happened in cold blood
Now there's one thing left to do
Time to unmask the mad man
The killer is . . .

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Center Point

When I was 20 I saw sex in everything. I had just been made love to for the first time and despite the ineptitude of the coupling and ultimate dissatisfaction of the whole event, it opened up a whole new world to me. Freud made perfect sense. Walking down the city streets I was astonished by the eroticism of the thrusting skyscrapers and the overt sexuality of the trains spearing through tunnels and smokers luxuriously dragging on cigarettes. And I was belwildered why everyone else wasn't as dumbstruck by this unashamed concrete carnality as I was. From my bedroom window I could see the city skyline with the long needle of Centerpoint rearing up from the middle, a large cantilevered penis.

It soon became clear that my first sexual encounter had set the pattern with that boy and we were never to achieve mutual fulfilment. So I set out to seduce my first older man - he was 24. On our first night together, awkwardly entagled on the back seat of his stationwagon, I begged him to teach me how to mine the carnal depths of my body and coax me to the ultimate release I had never experienced. But his fulsome erection deflated at my words like a pricked balloon, never to arise in my presence again.

After that I tried many types of men and many types of sex: oral sex, sex standing up, sex from behind, sex on top, sex on beaches, in swimming pools, in nightclub toilets - in fact, surprisingly little sex on beds. But I couldn't achieve satisfaction.

The buildings, trains and cigarette-smokers mocked me. Centerpoint mocked me, thrusting with insouciant tumescene into the clouds.

I searched for clues to my state from my childhood. Eventually I remembered asking my third grade teacher what sex was. She told me it was when daddy put his penis into mummy's vagina and semen came out. I didn't know what penis was, or vagina, but I recognised semen. And for years pondered the strange events that somehow linked my parents to a bunch of sailors.

I had sex with a sailor. It was no good.

Then I stopped having sex altogether. Occaionally I would try masterbation. Candles burning, soft music playing in the bedroom and a magazine "how-to" guide insecurely propped against my parted kness. I would delve and rub for hours, but I just grew sore and sleepy and started flicking through the magazine, and eventually gave up on that as well.

I knew I could it, though, because sometimes in the deepest, darkest part of the night I would have dreams I could never remember in the morning and a tremendous spasming in my body would wake me up, and when I reached between my legs I would be wet - but by then it would all be over.

He was not the sort of man I imagined, the many times I tried to imagine that man I still believed would one day show me how to tap my well of sexual pleasure. I had always been attracted to the overtly seductive, men who ignalled their prowess with their confident gestures and suggestive small-talk. Taken in by the advertising. He had no small-talk, made no guestures. Eventually it was his stillness I noticed, the impression he gave of complete self-containment. And when the other guests at my flatmates' dinner party had left, I knew he would stay behind and follow me up to my room. And he did.

He hardly talked. He guided me with his fingertips, showing me how he wanted my limbs arranged on the bed. On my back, on my belly, my legs closed or apart, arms reaching above my head or resting by my side. And him sitting fully-clothed and crosslegged, watching me, just watching. Eyes closed, I let myself be choreographed.

His gaze seemed to fall on me like a weight. Without seeing him I could feel where his eyes were resting. Now on my breasts, my ass, the small of my back, my throat, my mouth. Each place burned as his stare touched it. Hipbones, ankles, thighs, between my thighs; he dissected me. And there was no impatience, no urgency, just peace and languor and the burning lust that heated my blood. And then he began to caress me. Slowly, leisurely. Like a blind man feeling a woman for the very first time, he ran his hands over every part of me. He felt the joints in my toes, the calluses on my heels, rubbed my ankles and traced the muscles in my calves, massaged my thighs, my ass, ran his fingertips up my spine, pressed my shoulder blade, explored the bumps of my skull, his big hands spooning through my hair. He turned me over and touched my cheekbones, ran a fingernail across my lips, took my breasts into his hands, stroked my belly.

Wherever his eyes had rested, his hands lingered. And then he opened my legs and felt very softly between them, parting the soft lips of the vulva, plundering the source of the moisture. And then one forefinger touched my clitoris and paused on it, teased it, and I moved my legs even wider apart and groaned, and almost wished he would stop because the sensations spiralling out from the tender, center point were nearly painful in their intensity. But he kept massaging and rubbing, the circluar motion soft but insistent. And then it was like the deepest, darkest times the spasming was pure and powerful and my whole body seemed to clench and release itself over and over again as he drove his fingers deeply into me and I orgasmed from his hand, spreadeagled on the bed.

I had many men after him, and much satisfaction, as long as they were slow and sure, less passionate then patient. But I always think of him with affection as my first, perfect lover.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Angel Of Seduction

I am an angel, with the legs of Elle Macpherson and the mind of Madonna. My name is Seduction. I am flying over the city tonight, looking for my prey.

Two million years ago I had a lover, his name was the Prince of Lust. He was Michaelangelo's David, strong limbs chiselled from stone. We made love across the centuries of clouds, grass and ocean. Our orgasms shook the world in earthquakes and tidal waves. But the frigid angels banished us from heaven for our wanton ways. They cursed us never to be able to touch or love each other again. But we found a way. We learned to use mortals as our mediums, possessing their bodies so that we may once more drown in our desire.

I see your bathroom light is on, and land lightly on your rooftop. My silk coat unfurls to the night as I glide down the drainpipe and look in the window. You are standing in front of the mirror, admiring yourself in your satin and lace nightdress. I slide one perfect leg in the window, then the other dropping gracefully to the floor. For a second you feel my presence as a chill runs down your spine. Seeing the window is open, you snap it shut. I laugh a laugh you do not hear.

I stand behind you and brush my golden fingers over your bare shoulders. The goosebumps on your bosom reach a cresecendo at your nipples, making them hard as diamonds. Warm love juices begin to trickle between your thighs.

"Will you be long, honey?" he calls from the bedroom.

"Just a minute," you call back, surprised at the extent of your own desire.

I lift your nightdress and spread your tembling legs. My fingers circle your sex, wet in musky milkiness. I pull back the hood of your clitoris and tickle the delicate jewel. You stifle a moan and lean on the handbasin. I rub in a steady rthythm until the shockwaves run down your legs and cosmetic bottles tip over with your climax.

I climb out from under your nightdress. You are smiling at your flushed reaction, and I know you are ready. I change form and step inside your body, and we become one. For a moment you see me shine in your eyes, then you become the seductress.

You open the bedroom door and glide like a fiery ghost to the bed. The movement of your nightdress on your tingling skin feels like the hand of a lover. Your whole body is burning with desire. He looks up from his book, about to say something but you silence him with a look . . . the book falls to the floor with a thud. "Honey, you seem so . . ." You tear the sheet from the bed and his erection strands before you. Smiling, you lean over and take him in your mouth. He moans and clutches the back of your head. You look up into his eyes, allowing me to see that the Prince of Lust has possessed your lover's body. His piercing blue eyes gaze into mine, and we smile wickedly at each other.

You slide your tongue along the length of your lover's penis, making little circles on the tip. He thrusts deep into your mouth, imagining the feel of things to come. His breathing becomes short and his hand grips the side of the bed. A spasm passes through his body, and you quickly sit up, clasping the head of his penis tightly between your fingers. "Not yet," you whisper.

He looks at you with yerning eye, powerless in your grasp. You caress his smooth chest with kisses and lick the soft skin inside his elbows. He groans and grabs hungrily at your nightdress, peeling it away.

Pinning your arms above your head, he sucks at your breasts, sending little thrills of pleasure down your body. His warm kisses move along your quivering skin, then he sits back and slides his hand underneath your ass, pulling your sex to his mouth like a taste peach. You open up to him like a flower.

"Not yet," he whispers, as he kisses the ticklish skin of your inner thighs. You sigh with pleasure and move his hand towards your sex. He traces the moist lips with his fingers before thrusting two of them inside. You writhe wth delight while he pushes them in further, twisting and twisting until you cry out. "I want you," you moan. His erection is straining to full length as he takes out a condom. You shudder in anticipation with the sound of the packet ripping. He starts to roll the condom on but your greedy hands take over and quickly finish the job.

He moves into you a little at a time, torturing you with expectation. Your hands dig into his back begging him to thrust in further. He wraps his arms around you and pounds into you to the hilt, harder and harder as the beat becomes more rapid. Your bodies strain for release. The sweat of your stomachs mingles together and runs down your thighs until it's impossible to distinguish the different types of wetness. His hard chest pushes against your breasts,as you bruise each other's hips with your desperation. All your muscles stretch and pull you to climax until the room explodes into white sparks of light.

As you and your lover collapse into each other's arems, the Prince of Lust and I can touch briefly before fleeing into the night.