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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Chained To You

A broken link
Doesn't mean I can break free
I'm chained to your side

For all eternity
I'm bound by your power
I'm helpless to resist
Your powers of persuasion
We both know this

Everything I've said is true
My heart beats
For no one else but you

I'm chained to you
I never felt like this before
I'm chained to you
And there's nothing I want more
Then to hear your voice
Whisper in my ear
To feel your presence
Scaring away all my fears
I'm chained to you
Nothing I can do
I'm sticking to you like glue
I'm chained to you

My flaws are real
As you can see
Love them or hate them
They're a part of me
I am who I am
And that's enough for you
For once in my life
I'm not being looked through

Everything I've said is true
My heart beats
For no one else but you

I'm chained to you
I never felt like this before
I'm chained to you
And there's nothing I want more
Then to hear your voice
Whisper in my ear
To feel your presence
Scaring away all my fears
I'm chained to you
Nothing I can do
I'm sticking to you like glue
I'm chained to you

Sunday, January 20, 2013

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

Greetings everyone,

This song has seen me through a lot of hard times.  The lyrics are inspirational and I just had to share it with you, including the performance of the song by Cher in Burlesque.

Enjoy and I hope you find some inspiration through them too.

Rhiannon Elizabeth Irons

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there’s just something so strong

Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I’ll get up again
Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around
But I’m gonna stand my ground
You’re not gonna stop me
You don’t know me
You don’t know who I am
Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I’m down now
But I’ll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

No no
I’m not going nowhere
I’m staying right here
Oh no
You won’t see me begging
I’m not taking my bow
Can’t stop me
It’s not the end
You haven’t seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Babysitter

“Mom!  We don’t need a babysitter!” whined Charlie Duran, pouting at his mother while she was busy getting ready.  His twin brother, Gabe, joined in.  “Yeah.  We’re eleven.  We’re old enough to be home by ourselves.”

Mrs. Duran sighed.  She was looking forward to tonight.  A date night with her husband was rare, especially when she had two boys who were always in trouble.

“It was part of your grounded conditions.  You will be supervised at all times so we don’t have a repeat of the other day.”

Charlie’s bottom lip trembled, tears welling up in his eyes.  OK, so they weren’t real tears, but his mother didn’t need to know that.  The point was he and Gabe were old enough to be on their own for a night.

The doorbell rang.

Charlie glanced over his shoulder at his brother as Mrs. Duran sprayed some perfume on her wrist.  Gabe nodded and both boys left the bedroom, knowing their persistence was falling on deaf ears.

Mr. Duran opened the door.

“Hi, I’m Crystal from Kidscare,” came the voice of a bubbly, gorgeous blonde who stood on the front porch.

“Ahh yes,” Mr. Duran said, beaming broadly as he shook her hand and allowed her to enter.  He introduced himself before introducing Crystal to the boys. 

“They’re not happy about having a babysitter,” he explained.  “They’re being grounded for getting into trouble and destroying Mrs. Craven’s prize roses.”

Crystal shot them a sympathetic glance but promised Mr. Duran that she had everything under control.  “After all, our motto at Kidscare is ‘Responsibility is top priority.’”

Mr. Duran smiled.  Mrs. Duran breezed into the room, rattling off emergency telephone numbers before informing Crystal of where they were going to be having dinner.  “If it’s not too late, we may also catch a movie,” she said, feeling her husband’s hand on her lower back as he pushed her towards the door.

Crystal smiled, leaning against the open door.  “Don’t worry about a thing, Mrs. Duran.  I’ve got it all under control.  I promise you everything will be A-OK.”

She watched as the Duran’s climbed into their car and backed down the drive way.  She then turned her attention to Charlie and Gabe who were sitting on the third bottom stair.

“Hi,” she greeted.  “I’m Crystal from Kidscare!”

Gabe shot Charlie a worried glance.  Did Crystal just say Kidscare or KidScare?

As if knowing what his twin was thinking, Charlie shrugged his shoulders before glancing back at Crystal.  He didn’t really care what she said.  She was gorgeous.  Long blonde hair that came down to her waist, her skin was sun kissed and she had these little freckles on her shoulders.  Her smile was bright and her blue eyes lit up the room.  Charlie sighed.  This is must be love.

Crystal smiled.  “So what do you want to do?” she asked, her voice bubbly, as she played with her gold necklace. 

Gabe swallowed hard, his eyes trained on the necklace.  It was of a serpent.  Snakes had always freaked him out.

“Whatever you want,” said Charlie, his voice sounding much squeaker than normal.

Crystal’s smile widened.  “Great!  I have my Kidscare kit out in my car.  I’ll be right back.”

She opened the front door and skipped outside to her waiting car.

Gabe nudged Charlie with his elbow.  “There’s something wrong with her,” he whispered fiercely.  “She’s too happy.  No one is that happy all the time.”

Charlie looked at his brother, arching his eyebrow.  “Who cares,” he said.  “She’s hot.”

Gabe rolled his eyes.  Trust his brother to develop a crush on the evil babysitter.  He watched from the doorway as Crystal closed the back door of her car and started making her way back to the house.  There was something very off putting about her and Gabe was determined to find out what it was.

“OK, so, like, I have some cool games and coloring books and stuff like that in here,” Crystal said, her hand riffling through her kit.  “But I think you boys are a little old for this stuff.  Unless of course you want to play Dare.”

“Dare?”  Gabe had never heard of that before.

Crystal’s eyes darkened.  “Yes, Dare.  It’s a fun game.  The rules are simple.  You roll a die.  If the numbers one, three or five come up you have to perform a dare that your brother chooses.  Should two and four come up, you do a dare from me.  If you roll a six, you get to dare one of us to do something.”

Gabe looked at Charlie.  Charlie was busy making goo-goo eyes at Crystal to have heard anything she said.  He turned back to face the babysitter.  “Sounds fun.  Let’s play.”

He marched into the living room with Crystal hot on his trail.  Charlie followed like a lost puppy.  Gabe gave it five minutes before Charlie began physically drooling over her.

Crystal handed him the die from her kit.  Gabe held it in his fist, closing his eyes and wishing for a six.  He rolled the die along the coffee table.  It rattled along the glass table top before resting on a three.

“Three!” Crystal cried, gleefully clapping her hands together.  “That means your brother must pick a dare for you.”

She turned and looked at Charlie who quickly snapped out of his trance like state.  “Who me?  Ugh okay.  I dare you, Gabe, to run next door, ring the doorbell and moon Mrs. Craven.  It’s her fault that we’re grounded.”

“Oooh nice dare,” Crystal said, slapping Charlie a high five. 

Gabe thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.  Lucky for him, Mrs. Craven was near sighted and often mistook him for Charlie so with any luck, Charlie would be the one to get into trouble, not him.

All three of them marched outside.  Crystal and Charlie stayed on the front porch while Gabe ran next door.  He rang the doorbell, turned around and dropped his pants. 

“You little brat!”

Gabe grabbed his pants, hoisted them up and bolted through the rose garden back to the safety of his house.  Crystal was doubled over in fits of laughter while Charlie was rolling around on the ground, giggling like a hyena.

He zipped his pants back up and ran inside the house.

Once back inside, Gabe was sure that Mrs. Craven was calling the police on him.  Charlie had tears streaming down his face why Crystal’s eyes twinkled with sheer delight.

“Okay, I did my dare,” Gabe said, holding up the die.  “Who’s next?”

For the next ten minutes they played.  Gabe noticed that everytime Crystal rolled, she landed on a six, allowing her to dare someone else so she didn’t have to do one herself. 

Gabe blew on the die like he had seen in some old Las Vegas movie.  “Yes!  Six!” he cried, jumping up and doing a small victory dance.

He pointed a stubby finger at Crystal.  “I dare you to prove to us that you’re not an evil babysitter!” he cried.

Crystal’s gave him a vacant stare.  “What?” she asked, batting her long eyelashes at him with mock innocence.

“You heard me,” Gabe said, folding his arms over his chest.  “I dare you to prove to us that you’re not an evil babysitter.  It’s entirely up to you how you go about proving that.”

Crystal’s tongue darted from her mouth as she licked her lips.

“Very well,” she said, getting to her feet.  “I’ll prove it the only way I know how.”

She stretched her arms above her head, giving the boys a nice view over her flat stomach and belly button ring.  He hands clasped together above her head and she lowered her eyes at the twins.  Her lip twitched into a smirk as the skin began to break away on her arms to reveal horrible green scales.

Gabe’s jaw dropped as the skin peeled away from her body, dropping to the floor.  Charlie’s eyes widened in terror as Crystal’s body suddenly went from human to serpent.  Her legs blended into a slithering tail and her teeth grew sharper until they were jagged and sharp to a point. 

“You’re right, Gabe,” she hissed.  “I’m not an evil babysitter.  I’m something much worse.”

With one lunge, she had successfully grabbed Gabe in her jaws, while her tail had snaked around Charlie, crushing him.  She bit down on his causing a bloodcurdling scream to escape his mouth.  Blood dripped from her lips as she bit down again, crushing his bones in her strong jaws.

Charlie gasped as he watched his brother disappear into the jaws of a giant reptile. 

“Is it true what they say about twins?”  Crystal asked, coiling herself around Charlie.  “Did you feel all the pain of your brother dying?”

Charlie opened his mouth and screamed as Crystal devoured him, her venom seething into skin, burning him like acid.  In three bites he was gone.

*     *     *     *     *

The Duran house was covered in blood by the time the boys parents came home.  Upon calling the police, Mr. and Mrs. Duran found a trail of blood drops that lead right up to the front door of the house next door.

Mrs. Craven was arrested and charged with the murders of Charlie and Gabe Duran as well as Crystal, the babysitter.  Their bodies have never been found.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


My reality is too harsh
I can't face the world alone
But I know
That I have to sit up and try
No one else can live my life

I take out my journal
And a pen
I turn the pages and then

As I write the words 

Down on the page
The feeling of pain
Slowly fades away
And I think I've found
My escape
My escape from reality
From the suffering and pain
Of my mentality
And I'm longing to be free
To do what comes so naturally
I need to escape

A writer can create a world
A place to escape into
To finally be free
To never have to be sorry
For anything that they dream

I stare at my journal
Chewing on my pen
And idea comes to my mind
And then

As I write the words
Down on the page
The feeling of pain
Slowly fades away
And I think I've found
My escape
My escape from reality
From the suffering and pain
Of my mentality
And I'm longing to be free
To do what comes so naturally
I want to escape

Writing down my fantasy
Creating a suspended reality
Creating a world
Where I can be happy
And not have to cry anymore

Closing my journal I shed a tear
Putting away my pen
It's time for me to smile again

I wrote the words
Down on the page
The feeling of pain
Has now faded away
I think I've found
My escape
My escape from reality
Was really only briefly
No more pain of my mentality
I'm finally free

To do what comes so naturally
I have escaped

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Woman's Tears

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?”

“Because I’m a woman,” she told him.

“I don’t understand,” he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”

Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God.  When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?”

God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special.  I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.  I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.  I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.  I gave her the sensitivity to love h
er children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.  I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.  I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.  And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.  This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”

“You see my son,” said God, “The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.  The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.” 

Monday, January 14, 2013

A Rooster Story

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock: "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock: What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have all.

Young cock: OK. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off & when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang.....!

Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed before saying "Hell!!!!  This is the fifth gay cock I've bought this week."


Her wrists were secured in front of her
Her ankles wore leather cuffs
She was on her knees, resting on her forearms
Wiggling her ass at him
Enticing him
Begging him to play with her

She didn't utter a word
The gag saw to that
She couldn't see his face in the mirror
For her eyes were covered with a thick cloth
She was in darkness
She was bound

She felt his hands on her hips
Digging his nails into her flesh
She let out a low moan
As he body rested against hers
Filling her completely
Making her happy

His hand snaked around her
Resting against her throat
He pulled her head back
His lips against her ear
His tongue tickled
As he reminded her she was his

He let her fall to the bed
As he took her hard
His hand pulled her hair
Arching her back more
Her eyes closed as she pulled against her binds
She was bound

As his climax drew near
His sweat dripped from his brow
Her skin was covered in a glossy sheen
And her nerves were alive like they were on fire
They came together and collapsed in satisfaction
And he smiled for the first time

He removed her blindfold
So he could see her eyes
He brushed back her hair
And rolled over onto his side
As he went to sleep it dawned on her
He had left her bound

Sunday, January 13, 2013


I sat online
Waiting for you to speak
Waiting for you to notice my presence
Then as I typed the words "Hey again"
You signed off
Without so much as a "Good night"
Or "Bye"

That hurt me more then you will ever know
I sent you a message to let you know
That I was there
That I had messaged you
And I got nothing in return
I got ignored

Ignored by someone who I love
Ignored by someone who owns my heart
I hate this feeling that causes pain
Causing the tears to stream down my face

I know our conversation earlier
Wasn't the stuff of dreams
But I wanted to talk to you
To hear your voice again
To feel your words washing over me
Making me feel loved again

Why can't the shadows of the night
Pull me into their darkness?
Why can't I sleep
Without hearing your voice?
Why does it hurt me so much
When you don't return my calls?
Or my messages?
Why does it hurt when I feel ignored?

I Need

I need someone who will hold me
When I'm feeling down
I need someone to love me
Not push me around

I need to feel love in my life
Where there was none before
I need to know that nothing I say
Will make you walk out that door

I need someone who can handle me
When I'm happy and sad
I need someone who sticks by me
In both good and bad

I need to feel protected
Your arms holding me tight
I need to hear your voice
Sending me off to sleep at night

I need to know that you love me
Everyday of my life
I need someone who will prevent
Me slicing my arm with a knife

I need to be told
"Everything's OK"
I need to know
That you'll never stray

I need to feel secure
Protected from harm
I need to feel safe
When I'm wrapped in your arms

I need to feel happy
With who I am
I need someone
Who understands

I know this list is long
That there's so much I need
Knowing you fulfill this list
Gives me reason to breathe

Friday, January 11, 2013

Would You Notice Me?

If I lay dying in the street
Would you notice me?
Would you stop to help
Or would you walk on by?

If I asked you for help
Would you notice me?
Would you say "Absolutely"

Or leave me alone on the street?

If I called out your name from across the way
Would you notice me?
Would you see my face in the crowd
Or keep on walking with your head held high?

Am I invisible?
Some days I feel like it's true
That everything I do is wrong
Especially when it comes to you

If I sat at my desk crying
Would you notice me?
Would you offer me a shoulder to cry on
Or just carry on with your work?

If I told you I loved you
Would you notice me?
Would you repeat the words in my ear
Or leave the room without acknowledgement?

The world continues to turn
And we just let it be
If I told you it was going to end
Would you notice me?

Crimson Stream

A stream of crimson runs down my arm
Seeping from the gaping wound
I can feel my life slowly drain away
My soul finally being set free

The pulsing of my heart quickly fades away
As the crimson stream stops flowing
As I lie there, cold as the dead
The mischief in my eyes stops glowing

I look down at myself from up above
My hands and wrists coated in blood
The water from the bath overflows
Running over the floor in a red flood

Crimson is the colour of my blood
Hurt is the note I left behind
I watch my loved ones break down and cry
Wish it was in them that I confided

I'm not here in body
But in spirit I still walk the streets
I'm lost in a world between life and death
A world where ghosts wear bed sheets

Even in my spirit form
I can still dream
Of a world where I'm still alive
Not dead because of a crimson stream

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Is It Time To Retire The Fantastic Four Of Horror?

With the latest installment of Texas Chainsaw revving into cinemas and not getting many good reviews, it got me thinking: Does the horror genre rely too much on the big bads of yesteryear to carry on?  Is it time that Leatherface turns off his chainsaw?  Is it time for Michael Myers to leave his knife in the drawer?  Is it time to avoid heading to Camp Crystal Lake?  Is it time that we sell 1428 Elm Street?  Is it officially time for the Fantastic Four to retire?

The reason that I’m looking at this topic is that each of these series have literally been done to death.  In 1974, Leatherface made his first appearance and since then he’s done three sequels, a remake, a prequel to the remake and a reboot. 

Michael Myers stomped his presence on the horror genre in 1978 in John Carpenter’s Halloween.  Since then he’s done six sequels, a remake and a sequel to the remake.  There was also Halloween III: Season Of The Witch, however with the exception of appearing in an ad on TV for the original Halloween movie, this film doesn’t show Michael at all and has no connection to his story whatsoever so I’ve not included it in the above countdown.

Jason Voorhees was the next big bad up to the batting plate.  Not taking into consideration the first Friday the 13th movie as Jason wasn’t the antagonist, his first appearance as the killer was in 1981.  Since then there’s been eight sequels, a showdown with Freddy Krueger and a reboot of the first three films made into one movie that could be passed off as a remake attempt.

Freddy was next, entering our minds, our hearts and our dreams in 1984.  Since then he’s gone on to create five sequels, a reimagining of the old rules in Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, a showdown with Jason Voorhees and a remake.

Is enough, enough?  Do these Big Bads still draw in the crowds?  Is there any way to make them new and exciting whilst keeping the mystery and the horror of the original film?  Is it time to shelve the ideas of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday The 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street for good?

As a writer I look back on these series and think that they’ve officially run out of ideas.  They’ve been recycling the same old formula for decades, and while it’s solid concept and did well in the 70’s and 80’s, it doesn’t seem to translate well with audiences now.  The new ideas have fallen flat too.  In a desperate bid to keep Friday The 13th going, the creators of Jason X sent Jason Voorhees into space then made him battle Freddy Krueger where winner kills all. 

Michael was given some new ideas too in that of a back-story in the remake directed by Rob Zombie.  I don’t personally agree with the back-story (or the film) that Zombie did, I do applaud his concept because on some level, we all want to know what made Michael snap.

Now you can’t really change the formula too much when it comes to these four as that’s what they’ve built their legacy on.  However you can tweak it a little to provide something new and refreshing.  Wes Craven did that with Freddy back in 1994 and produced Wes Craven’s New Nightmare which was a major success considering Freddy was known, at that point in time, more for his wise-cracks then his fear factor.  Although, in saying that, I will cut Krueger some slack and say that he had some amazing kills, despite being the comic relief out of the Fantastic Four.

On Twitter earlier this week when I first began discussing this topic, I threw up the idea of having the original directors returning to their creations to recapture some of the glamour that had faded.  The responses were mixed.  Some people said they would prefer to see Indie or unknown director take a shot at recapturing the horror magic while others thought it was a good idea, although they were adamant about the gore factor being upped dramatically since the original movies were released. 

Most people admitted that as long as the movie was good and provided them with entertainment, they didn’t really care who was sitting in the director’s chair.  However there was that one voice that stood out and said that if the original directors still had the passion for their respected series, then by all means they should come back and give the fans something new and fresh while maintaining what made the movies scary to begin with.

Being a Halloween fan myself, I admit that I would love to see what John Carpenter would do with Michael now.  Would he use Rob Zombies’ series to create something new, or return to his original concept?

The fact of the matter is, despite the Fantastic Four having an exceptionally large fan base, their stories are becoming tiresome. 

So, how this for a fresh idea: What if the next Friday the 13th incorporated found footage into the film, kind of like Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon?  Some campers or hikers are walking around Crystal Lake and manage to stumble across a video camera which has captured Jason’s latest rampage in all its gory details.  Once the tape stops, they realize that Jason is directly behind them.  Or 
perhaps having a film crew heading out to Crystal Lake to do a documentary on his crimes and having him show up to defend his turf?

Or how about a Halloween story that sees Michael track down his only remaining relative from the H20 movie, John (Josh Hartnett) who’s living abroad?  Or have someone who looks very similar to Laurie move into his old house?  I’m pretty certain that would piss him off.

Or what about having Freddy as a global killer?  Let’s face it, there’s 24 hours in a day at least every minute of that 24 hours there’s someone, somewhere, in the world who is sleeping, and thus dreaming.  After one movie, with a concept like that, Freddy could land on top of the body count list.

Is this the end of the Fantastic Four?  I don’t believe so.  As consumers of their products, we long to see them back in action, regardless of how good or bad the movie is. 

Will they ever retire for good?  No.  They may lie dormant for a decade or so, but they’ll be back with a vengeance, ready to slice and dice their way through new victims and a new generation of fans.

Leatherface, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger are icons of the horror industry and whether we like it or not, their movies will continue to be made as long as there’s a demand for them from their fans.  

Monday, January 7, 2013

Beware While Golfing

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.  "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.  Thanks for te
lling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.  "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.  A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden.  It used to really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know.  Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.  Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Shocking Sex

An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.  The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”

“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”

“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”

“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.  He thinks, “I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”

So he follows them.  They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.  They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.  The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.  She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.  They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.  This goes on for about forty minutes.  She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!”  He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.  This is the most athletic sex imaginable.  Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.  The policeman is amazed.  He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing.  He was going like a train.  I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else.  You must have been having sex for about forty minutes.  How do you manage it?  You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!”

Friday, January 4, 2013

Why We Live as Long as We Do

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.