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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Short Story - Intruder

Hey there guys and gals its James from the UK here with a little treat for you all, my very first short story on Rei's blog. i hope you all enjoy it and please feel free to post your comments, I would love to get your feedback. 


Amber ever so slowly slid the kitchen knife out of its wooden block and held it so tightly that she could almost feel the blood rushing through her veins. Heart pumping frantically, she slowly made her way across the kitchen, bare foot, attempting to stick to the shadows despite the crisp white moonlight seemingly shining brighter than it ever had through the patio doors. Tonight was the night her life was on the line and her house was no longer a home but a prison, with the key to her life in someone else’s hands.

She knew that each movement she made would have to be stealth-like and even the slightest of sounds would draw unwanted attention and certain peril. Escape seemed an almost impossible feat, with all doors locked earlier in the night and keys spread around the house, hidden in case of any unwanted presence entering. Her only escape would be through the door in which he entered.

Every corner of the house she approached drew a harsh breath of air from her as at any point an unexpected evil could be ready to pounce upon her. What would happen to her if she was caught? Ideas of rape, torture and suffering suddenly entered her mind, pushing all positive thoughts out as if they never existed. Her heartbeat pounded even faster and she felt her whole body trembling at the thought of what he could do to her.

Instead of letting fear take her over, Amber was determined to use that dread to spur her on to exit her suffocating prison. Eliminating all fear from her mind, she soon reached her salvation. There it was glimmering in the moonlight as if a sign from God, the front door stood slightly ajar ready for her to reach freedom.

Carefully caressing the floor with her bare feet she surveyed the foot of the stairs before reaching out for the door. Grabbing the cold handle she slowly began to open the door, praying that a sudden unsuspecting creak wouldn’t draw attention to her. Listening half for any movement upstairs and half for sounds from the door she sensed escape and finally slipped out of the door undetected to the cold winter’s evening.

The cool white snow melted between her toes as her heavy breath appeared in the air of the night. Still aware of the threat she tip-toed through the crunchy snow particles towards the street she had lived down for so many years. Deserted.

At 9.00pm she expected at least someone to be around to save her but no-one came. Sifting through the blank thoughts in her mind she knew not what to do. With no phone and an empty street danger was still at its peak and her only option was to head as far away from the house as possible and get help.

With that thought she turned once more to the house to get a glimpse of her once serene home only for her eyes to meet a dark figure standing in her doorway. He had found her.

Her heart began to pound so hard she felt it was about to burst. Her only option was to run and scream for help.

‘Help! Someone please help me!’ Her screams echoed down the street as she ran through the settled snow attempting to gather help. Nobody in sight.

She turned back to grab the location of him but the dark figure had disappeared as if he were a ghost. Slowing her pace yet remaining extremely aware she slowed her breathing and composed herself. Where had he gone? Was she imagining this? For a brief moment she questioned her mind and even contemplated return to her home.

Quashing those suggestions she decided to head for the next street where she was sure someone would be around to aid her. After all it was the busiest road in the neighbourhood so surely a man walking his dog or a random late worker would be arriving home.

Wrong. She reached the street to a deathly silence. Only the sound of her footsteps crunching in the snow echoed in her mind. Panic overcame her. She was in a living nightmare with no help and a ghost haunting her.

Looking down at her feet she stood trembling in the freezing temperature and took a harsh deep breath. Towering over her a black figure grabbed her helpless body and pushed her to the ground. With little time to react she felt her limbs freeze with the ground that she lay upon. Realising this was to be the last moments of her life Amber closed her eyes and tightened up her body, preparing for an impending blow from a knife.

Opening her eyes she suddenly found herself strapped to a bed with bright lights and walls, as white as the snow she had been trudging across, facing her. With her mind doing back flips she had no memory of how she got there. ‘Help Me!’ she screamed, thinking that the black figure had drugged her and she was only coming round.

With a door opening to the room two doctors entered to the fray and begun whispering amongst themselves. ‘Get me out of this place! Fucking let me go!’ Her tone even more desperate as she screamed.

‘Amber.’ One of the doctors said, attempting to restore calm. ‘You’ve had another one of your episodes. This is your second one today. You must let these thoughts out of your mind, you killed Matthew, he’s dead.’

‘She can’t be saved can she?’ asked the other doctor with a tone of certainty. ‘No, she’s mentally blocking the whole event out of her mind and turning it around. Her nightmares are showing Matthew as the killer when in reality it was her. It appears she will never be rid of this recurring nightmare, it’s like her sentence for the crime she committed. Amber will forever have this nightmare for as long as she lives....’

And with that the doctor pulled out a syringe from his jacket pocket containing a sedative, grabbed the struggling Amber’s arm and unleashed the liquid into her veins. Amber began to fall into yet another deep sleep and the nightmare was set to begin again...


  1. I got a chill down my spine. No offense intended but it wasn't as strong as something that Rei did called The Lost Lanterns but still it was effective.
    I like how the ending is left open for a possible sequel and how the story evolves from a home invasion to a girl in a mental ward.
    You and Rei have very different writing styles but both give the desired affect; you both know how to create atmosphere and know how to give your audience mental pictures which in turn creates the horror.
    I hope you keep writing, James, because you are good. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you produce and also, now that I know your style, I'm looking forward to seeing your vampire screenplay.

  2. Chilling, spooky, interesting story. James, I love the way you left it open at the end and how the intrusion messed with Amber's head. Fantastic story :-)

  3. Got to say loved the twist ending. didn't see it coming. great job

  4. Between you and Rhiannon Irons, there's no hope out there for any other budding writers. You two rock!

    I'm with Dom on the fact that I did prefer Rhiannon's Lost Lanterns story to this, but don't take that as a negative. She knew how to work our minds by that point and her descriptions of events are what makes her stand out.

    Your descriptions of the events allowed me to picture it happening in my mind which then allowed me to get sucked into the story. Great work, James and I hope we see more from you on here.

  5. Thanks for all the comments, massively appreciated! Keep em coming and I will be sure to get some more stories written in the very near future!

  6. Thought provoking and fun. Loved the ending

  7. Spine-chilling. Loved the twist. Not as good as Bloody Mary or some of the other work on here, but different writers tend to have different techiques. It's a great first story. Hope to see more from you James

  8. Good story. As good as anything else on this blog. Welcome to the Final Curtian

  9. Interesting story.

    No offense intended but I prefer Rhiannon Irons' collection of short stories. But that may soley be because of this being her blog and I'm use to reading her work.

    Capturing the attention of the audience is crucial but this story didn't draw me in the way hers does. It doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy it, it just means that it's not my thing.

    Good luck with your writing future though and hopefully we'll see more of you.

  10. Let's begin with some small critisims: I think you need to add a little more descriptions which in turn should create a better atmosphere and will draw more people in. Also, maybe add a little extra suspense which may be hard to do.

    Other than that I really enjoyed it. I thought it was well thought out, well written and above all well documented with a great ending.
    Keep up the good work James, and hope to see another one of your works on here soon : )

  11. A true writer knows how to captivate someone's attention from the beginning to the end. James succeeds here. Great story!

  12. Thanks for all the comments! All have been taken on board and look out for my next soon!