Horror Movie Survival Guide

You all know the rules put to us by Scream.  Now, I wish to share some of my own.

1) If your friend trips/falls, leave them. No sense in you both being killed.

2) When your friend suggests visiting a haunted location/house/cemetery... DON'T GO!!!

3) If you hear a noise, run like the wind and don't bother looking back. Keep going until the sun comes up.

4) Find a pool of blood and lie down in it. Pretend to be dead and hopefully the villain won't notice.

5) Don't have sex, don't drink and for the love of God don't say "I'll be right back" because you won't be right back.

6) Listen to the creepy man standing by the side of the road. Chances are he knows what he's talking about.

7) Don't believe that the villain is ever really dead. Keep shooting/stabbing/running over them before running away.

8) Don't trust anyone. You can only rely on yourself.

9) Don't run upstairs. You're only trapping yourself or else you'll find yourself on the roof with no way down.

10) When an event is taking place and most of the town is going, go with them. Don't be a rebel - staying behind = death.

11) Don't step out of your hiding spot the moment you don't hear the killers footsteps. They'll be there.

12) If you survived your first ordeal, don't sign up for the sequel. Chances are, you won't be coming back from that.

13) Don't answer the door, don't leave the house, don't answer the phone, but most of all, don't SCREAM!

14) Don't say your plans out loud. Chances are the killer is listening to your conversation.

15) Never use bed covers/blankets as a shield. Last I looked, knife cuts blankets while bullets penetrate fabric.

16) When dealing with supernatural elements, it doesn't pay to be cynical and skeptical.

17) If your friends decide to investigate, don't try and talk them out of it. Use them as the distraction while you run in the opposite direction.

18) Expect the unexpected.

19) When planning a weekend retreat, always read/pack a survival manual.

20) Beware anyone who owns and wears black leather gloves...

21) Never buy a house with a history of supernatural occurrences or story of how the last owners mysteriously vanished.

22) Your friend is calling for your help. It's a trap. They got themselves into that mess, they can get out of it.

23) Don't test the theory that all urban legends are bullshit. Chances are this time Bloody Mary is real.

24) Never bully the loner. It will come back to haunt you.

25) If you must investigate remember to take someone with you. Preferably someone who can't run as fast as you.

26) Learn to say "No."

27) Never announce that you're calling the police. At that point you phone battery will die and the power will go out.

28) If you wear glasses and cannot see without them, refrain from travelling to isolated areas with your friends.

29) If you can't find your car keys, don't panic. If you still have two legs then use them!

30) Always tell multiple people where you're going. And make sure you phone people that aren't going with you.

31) Never accuse the killer of being crazy - this will only enrage them further.

32) Don't mention that you've been institutionalised before. Better yet, don't mention your past at all.

33) If you find yourself in woodlands, climb a tree and stay quiet. The killer won't be looking up.

34) If you wake up with no memory, consider this your lucky day. Don't try to figure out who you were.

35) If you are in possession of an ancient artifact that is a center for the paranormal, put it back exactly where you found it.

36) Ask the killer "Why?" This enrages them and makes them spill their life story, allowing you to sneak away.

37) Always check the back seat.

38) Befriend Jamie Lee Curtis or Robert Englund. They know what to do.

39) Always shower with someone else. The moment you split up is the moment you'll be attacked. Plus you'll save water.

40) Don't think this is all a dream. Unless Freddy Krueger is standing before you, this is reality.

41) Don't assume that your friends who haven't returned are having a game of rough and tumble. They're already dead.

42) Never try to outwit the killer. Chances are they're smarter than you and if not, then they're more deranged.

43) Don't use sarcasm as a defence.

44) Check your family history for any links to possible homicidal maniacs and whether or not they're going to reoccur.

45) If you get a call coming from inside the house while you're babysitting, leave immediately. The kids are like cockroaches and will be fine.

46) If it's not the boyfriend, then it's the best friend. Either way, get rid of them before they get rid of you.

47) Always make sure you're wearing clothes that are comfortable enough to run in. No short skirts, no high heels. And if by some chance you're wearing heels, you can use them as a weapon.

48) Don't hide then breathe heavily. That's like a blinking beacon to the killer. They will find you.

49) If you stumble across an ancient book, don't read it out loud. You're only antagonizing the spirit world.

50) The Ultimate Rule: Hit first, ask questions later